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Monday, September 7, 2015

I don't understand why I exist anymore

Dang man, Ive been gone from here for a super long time lol. How have you all been? I know no one reads these posts so I guess this will be my online safe haven for a bit xP. So yah- about the title huh? I really don't get it anymore yoh. Life is nothing what I had measured it out to be growing up. I appreciate my family, and network of people, but there still this legit emptiness I've been living with for years. 
Why do we exist? The only answer that makes sense to me is the idea that we are nothing more than advance mammals lol. Like, alpha male and omegas and stuff. The male has to go out on a limb to impress these females, then the female chooses and so on and so on. Its all stupid. Gosh, I feel bad cuz I have such a realist/ pessimistic view on things, but thats just what I've been grown into bro. Its like when I meet people and hang out with them all I do is laugh and chill, but when I am by myself I think about everything a lot.
I've noticed that I've grown up to be too soft. Guys bully you whilst females don't respect you. Still, I try everything I can to remain positive towards other people. However, the more I friggin' try, the more they wanna stretch my patience and see what they can get out of me. I avoid most intereaction with females now, and I dont really have a lot of friends anymore. 
I don't even care about stuff anymore. Only reason why I am alive is because of my parents, and I dont know whats on the other side of death lol. Like, if I knew I will go to a better place when I die, I would leave in a heartbeat bro. But nothing can be proven or disproven in the realm. It sucks. I hate the ambiguity, nothing is clear. 
Like why does everything have to be so dang complicated and confusing, why do I even avoid cursing lol?? I dont even know if God exist, but I still excercise the morals my parents instilled in me haha. Nothing is clear, there's no set objective to aim for. Just hope really.
I dont want to say I'm suicidal, but I every few days I really want to leave this planet like Doctor Manhattan. Life is not what I was told.

Monday, February 25, 2013

A Black Guy Who Doesn't Like Basketball Anymore??? HOLY MACKERAL, BATMAN!

You know who you see those short black dude that look like they were freshly imported from the banks of Zimbabwe and run like, I dont know, faster than a cheetah? Or they jump like freakin 40 inches in the air and went to the weight room not one time? Yeah I know how it feels to not fulfill that stereotype. Im a 6 foot 4 black dude, one of the tallest guys for my team let alone the only black guy! So not alot of your would relate to this to this blog because you either dont care, ooooor your already too athletic for this post hm?

Anyway, yeah, Im a senior in high school, tall black dude, and people expect me to be like this amazing dunker n' crap. But Im not, in fact a white kid who always brags about dunking became the first dunker at our school! Lol, you know, at one point I always wanted to be the first one but I cant seem to be first in anything! Ah man I swear, I know like no one is reading this, but when I make music, my music is for people who relate. Its okaaaay if you enjoy the tune or whatever, but my main goal in making music is to connect with other people who think like me. Yes I have fun with it, but still... Soon Ill make a song about basketball. I have no idea when, BUT I definately will make a song about my feelings/ philosophy on the sport and black people playing it (no racism intened, maybe subconsious who knows.) I think I hate basketball- but its so ironic, I used to love it....

Saturday, February 2, 2013


Oh man, there's this kid at my school who is so bipolar... One hour he will be all cool and say, "hey Im your biggest friend!" then next hour proceeds to talk down on me to make himself feel better for not getting his way at home... His character is quite odd actually. Veery sarcastic, trys to be funny but really just isnt funny, atleast not to me. Well sometimes he can be funny, but most of the time: heck no. How do I deal with someone like this, atleast I will be graduating in 4 months, yay! I will start over again in college lol. No longer do I have to hang out with the same people who always wanna mess with me for a joke, no longer do I have to deal with the same girls who wanna friendzone me like crazy lol. Time to start over and make a new life for myself. A more positive life....

Sunday, November 25, 2012

My Ex (Part 1)

I already know no one is going to read any of this so I think Im gonna enjoy typin' this stuff haha. My Ex and I used to be so so so close, but far away at the same time. I've never met (yeah, crazy huh?). We met on YouTube. At first I didnt think much of her because she just left a random comment on one of my videos and I was just like, "Thanks" and whatever. Overtime though we started talking more and more (About 6 months straight) and I started liking the girl.
THERE WERE ALL KINDS OF FREAKING RED FLAGS!!! First of the girl was thirteen years old when I met her, and I was sixteen! But I was dumb enough to think she was mature for her age, frick no.. THEN, she knows what I believe in. I told her that I was waiting for marriage and all that crap (you know what Im talking about), but she tells me that she already got it in!? She was FREAKING THIRTEEN WHEN I MET HER!!! But I was literally retarded at this point because I still decided to keep talking to her even though I knew my feelings were talking me the wrong way.. She's also backed up a year in school, but I didnt care about any of that stuff because I liked her so much. 

Even though she has all those issues and stuff, I was still very fond of this girl, she was good at having conversations, very sweet, and so energetic in a good way.. I did the best I could to look past all of her imperfections or whatever. I just recently realized that I have a very unrealistic view on how I would like my future lady to be, thats why I cant be in a relationship now, you know, frick... But ANYWAY, I liked her so much to the point I asked out a girl that I have never even met before lol. I called on the phone on January 29, 2012. I was so freakin' nervous but I just had to let it out! She said yes! I was like the happiest dude in the entire world at that point to be honest hehe..

When we first started our serious "relationship" we were so close even though we are apart. I started to see so much good in her even after she told me of her past. We got to know eachother more and more everyday, she seemed so genuine to me. However, to this day I rethink that.. One of the harsh realities of long distance relationships (ldr) is that you dont truly know who you are going out with. All the other person has to do is tell you what you want to here to keep getting your affection.

Overtime, I started to hate the fact that she gave herself away so young. If you dont know what Im talkin' about Im talking about her virginity mane. I kept it to myself for a long time, but because of that I became more insecure and jelous with her. I hated how she always talked to guys, I hated how guys flirt with her and she just went along with it. I hated all of that because in the back of my mind I felt that I would never satisfy her because Im waiting. It makes me so angry thinking about everything to this day. She told me I worry to much. Maybe she's right, but I still could never get over how she gave herself away so young.

Because of my jealously, one day I confronted her asking who was the dude she slept with. She wouldnt tell me. Its not like it would freakin matter anyway because I live like 2,000 miles below her! What the heck!? Lol, sorry lost my composer a bit.. But she still wouldn't tell me, so I ended our usually "all day long" conversation..

Ever since that night she changed in her attitude towards me. She became more secretive, never had anything to say to me. It was the worst thing because a girl that I loved (Yes I really did love her) didnt want to tell me ANYTHING. It made me want to die really, but she didn't care I think. It became so overwhelming because I thought she didnt want to be with me anymore, but she kept saying thats not the case. I just wanted her to be happy and all, she said she was, but wasnt showing that at all. I couldnt bear anymore. I thought she wanted me to breakup with her because of how nonresponsive she was to me. It was killing me inside so I had to break up with her. I thought I would finally make her happy and break up FOR her. She really did seem, and sometimes I think she really wanted me to break up with her.

The next day I was crushed, I never wanted any of this to happen. This girl was my queen. She was my everthing. I practically freaking breathed for her. And all of this just to end like that,  like a snap of the fingers? I was in deep depression I think. I just didnt want to live anymore. I was suicidal, but I think I truly didnt care if I live or died. I lost my source of happiness, encouragement, and the love that I've been dumbly looking for a long time. 

After a while, somehow we start "flirting" again and things seem to be patching up a little bit. But her cousin told me that she has been talking to a grown man. It was pretty scary to be honest. But it seriously broke my heart. I couldnt believe this was all happening. I confronted my ex about everyhing. And she STILL barely had anything to say except, "sorry". No explanations, no details, just sorry..... I was so agry at her.. She might as well shouldve drove all the way down to my house, rip my heart out, give it to the grown man, and have a dinner over it. (Sorry for the graphic terms but Im trying to show you what Im feeling right now). I finally just left and didnt talk to her for a while.


Friday, October 26, 2012


Had a good day today. I have trouble being myself around my parents. Hmmm I never really thought about it but seriously, my Ma was having problems with me being so quite. When Im at school or people Im familiar with I can be very charismatic, happy, and outgoing. But at home, man, Id be like a quite shy kid who stays in his room all day :/ But Im getting better at it because last few days Ive been spending more time with my parents, you know? Instead of going to my bedroom when I get home I sit down and watch TV with my parents. Im not perfect, but I will do better and Im working hard on it- stay positive and I hope someone who is going through the same thing as me- we can make it.

Follow me on twitter- @TBWSP if you find me tell me you got there through my blogger or youtube! Love you guys :D

Sunday, September 30, 2012


           Yesterday was FREAKING AMAZING!!!! At first I was like, what the heck am I doing here? But at the end, I got to fellowship with some amazing men of God. Yes, God- the Father of Jesus Christ, the Holy Bible God lol! I feel like making a vlog about this and putting it on YouTube- but at the same time, I need to watch my approach (if you understand what Im saying)....
      Not only that, but I recieved my ACT scores yesterday!! I got a 19! LOL thats only one poing above the average, BUT WHO CARES! I'm still deciding on  whether I should take the ACT again or not- I think I will for scholarship, BUT THEN AGAIN- that test was hard as frick! Naw I need to take it, c' mon Bill take the dang test again. NO. YES. NO. YES. NO. YES (this goes on all day)

Monday, September 24, 2012

Oh Mondays SUCK

Ahhhh how it sucks to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to be dropped off at the same fast food restraunt for the past week!? Goodness I hate having to go to school so dang early, at least let me wake up at 6:30! Is that too much to ask! Ah Im just kidding.... maybe not lol but WHO CARES!

I got my buddy to pick me up from McDonalds to get to school today, so that was a good part, and I have to think that I DO have it better than some of the people out there, right? But today was a pretty good day, but I swear the guys in my class mess around TOO much sometimes- I mean cant you give a big black guy a break? xD Im just playing, but yeah they need to chill sometime. I dont get bullied necessarily because they are just "messing" with me, but still I'd appreciate more respect in life. But HAY! That gives me motivation to be nice and treat other people with respect somehow. "How", you may ask. To be honest with ya, I don't even know, but I want to see people happy, not sad like I can be :)